The Johnny Bacardi Show

Your Dan Bern song of the day, heard on Live365's Musical Justice station:

DAN BERN-PRESIDENT

Raised up my hand & said I solemnly swear
One January day
And just like that I was the President
Of the USA

Just like that I was the President
Of the USA

There were limos, bands & speeches
And parties to go to
I said all that will have to wait
There's just so much to do

Them parties will have to wait
There's so much to do

My first day I offered statehood
To Cuba and Mexico
Cuba-1 state, Mexico-6
All or nothing that's how it goes

No more border patrols & human smuggling
and we'll deal with our own neighborhood
And a few more stars and some green in the flag
Seems like it might be good

And maybe Israel and Palestine
Will follow our lead and just combine
And then become Israelstine, who knows?
Anyway that's my first day

Second day I told Detroit
Start makin' cars that don't use gas
And I give everybody a big rebate
And they started sellin' fast

We'll stop burning up the air we breathe
And making the planet boil
And we won't have to kiss the ass
Of whoever's got the oil

Since before Hoover, the farmers have got
The short end of the stick
With the help of our Cuban brothers
We'll be Communistic
(Collective farms!)

Capitalism is a fine thing
If it works, then great, OK
But if not, gotta try something else
That's what I did on my 3rd day

My 4th day all of our troops came home
From all around the Earth
Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran
More trouble than they're worth

I was tempted to say I'm sorry
We'll rebuild you with money and men
But I just said, "You're on your own
"And don't fuck with us again"

My 5th day I changed the army
So it's all of us or none
We'll all tie knots, and walk through mud
Pitch tents and fire a gun

With just a few of us as warriors
And the rest of us gone soft
Martians could come and zap us
Ain't gonna happen on my watch

Day 6 I swore no prisoners more
Would face their death inside
Thou Shalt Not Kill applies to us all
Too many mistakes, besides

Day 6 I swore no prisoner more
Would ever face his death
At least until my jury hears
The Crimes of President Bush

Day 7 was hot, I legalized pot
And none of this decriminalizing crap
Let it grow in glory, end of story
Then I burned one and took a nap

Hemp will help the farmers
We'll grow hemp everywhere
One acre of hemp's like 10 acres of trees
And hemp grows back next year

My 8th day I made health care
Cover everyone
If you get sick, see a doctor
That's how my government's run

And by the way, abortion
Is included in this plan
No one tells a girl how to treat her body
Least of all some man

My 9th day I said sorry
This government is no fool
Ain't gonna pay you extra to send your kid
To some weird-ass wacko school

We'll do our best to make our schools
Best anyplace on earth
If they ain't good enough, think about it
Before you go give birth

My 10th day I made it OK
To marry whoever you
Would be willing to ride with
On a bicycle built for 2

Marry a woman, marry a man
Marry a monkey too
Marry a big old rhino
And visit 'em at the zoo

And that was my first 10 days
My first 2 working weeks
Lots of work for the bureaucrats
And the paper-pushing geeks

After that we needed
Some time to just have fun
So we added some new holidays
The next week, one by one

Monday was National Nude Day
Everyone disrobed
Tuesday was National Stoned Day
Everyone got stoned

Wednesday was National Painting Day
Thursday no television
Friday was tennis, John McEnroe helped
From his Cabinet position

Saturday, Sex With Impunity Day
With no repercussions
Sunday, do it all-Nude, Stoned, Painting, no TV, Tennis, Sex-Enjoy!!
Just be ready for work on Monday
And mister, no discussion

My Cabinet, as previously mentioned
Includes John McEnroe
And Wavy Gravy and Michael Franti
And Ani Difranco

Muhammad Ali, Madonna
Maya Angelou, Bratt Pitt
And Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton
And we'll watch 'em both go at it

And then I'll get that Stephen Hawking
Make him a citizen and stuff
He's the smartest guy in the world
England's had him long enough

I'll tell him you can be the head of whatever you want
Just bring your thinking cap
And I'll give him an office in Hollywood
With all those ramps and crap

I raised up my hand and said I solemnly swear
One January day
And just like that I was the President
Of the USA

Just like that
Just like that
Just like that I was the President
Of the USA

Laughed my ass off, I did- which made me look kinda funny as I was sitting here with headphones on. Just as well- I have a feeling most of them here will be voting Bush anyway. Heck, I KNOW at least two of them will...sigh...